Socialising on the Spectrum

I've gotten used to it now, that discomfort in social situations where it feels as though everyone can notice my differences but cannot quite pinpoint what they are. It feels as though people speak differently to me, like they look at me differently and expect less of me than others. And it sucks. Because I don't know what I'm doing that's so different, and they don't know either. But it is there nonetheless.

A common misconception of autistics is that we all like our own company. That we fair better when left to our own devices and can't stomach socialising like our fellow non-autistic peers. For me, this couldn't be further from the truth. I love people, I love socialising and getting to know others, despite my obvious awkwardness within that.

I tried very hard in my teens, almost too hard, to make friends. These friendships didn't tend to last, as I would often find myself uncomfortable with the pressure of saying the right things, dressing in clothes that annoyed all my senses and liking to stick to the routine of my favourite place to hang out. While others wanted to expand their horizons, I was quite happy with the same place, same day, same time. I also found myself being taken advantage of where I would buy things for so called friends, out of desperation to keep them.

This was a recurring theme for me and it wasn't until I was around 22 and started going out to the nearby Lime Bar in Salford Quays, with a group of work friends that I started to feel ok about loosening up with a gin and Diet Coke, and I started to learn more about the intricacies of socialising, what we're meant to say to people, and what we're really NOT meant to say (I learnt that we're not meant to be quite so blunt if we don't want to make small talk when we go out for a cigarette). I treasured these evenings out, but everyone was neurotypical, and I still felt like I stood out for being the "quirky" one and was mocked for this in what I'm sure was good-natured ribbing, but it still hurt. I could have done with a group of autistic friends in my twenties and now I'm in my 30s I love meeting up with other autistic people, going for a drink and feeling accepted by my peers.

Something I value to much with having autistic friends is that we can say what we mean and be ourselves and not have to constantly apologise or over-explain or try to mimic the neurotypical vibe. We are who we are, and we support each other through the struggles of everyday life.

A group like this would have been so helpful when I first started realising how much I needed friends around me. A group where we met at the pub, knew which pub and stuck to that, and knew the time; everything expected and prepared for as much as possible. That would have helped develop a sense of safety while I grew in my social skills.

Having met others with a shared experience, I wonder what can be done to help other autistic adults begin to develop more of an understanding social circle.

Many of the autistic young people we work with stay with Express for years or come back to us at different stages in their life. For those who are now 25+ we are hoping to set up a monthly social meet-up in Surbiton. This will be for those aged 25-35 who can attend independently but would benefit from some structure and a facilitator and would like to meet other autistic adults.

Email connectclub@expresscic.org.uk to register your interest.